Some word and thought relief under this title.

I've been confused by some things lately. All of them lead to the main question: Who I truly am? With no masks on, no hypocrisy, nothing on, just me and plain me. Why do I give my best? What for?

When the most important thing is taken from you, what do you do to fill the void it leaves?

I was re-reading some of my old blog posts, when I was like a foolish romantic person. I don't mean to say love is foolish itself; it's me who was a foolish. Well, back to the subject: They don't belong to me anymore. All these words that I wrote, that were so important to me, because were related to a person very important to me; I don't feel like they have anything to do with me anymore.

What is good. Means I truly forgot her. I forgot her, and, I can happily state this, that my scar isn't big. It healed, but only about her. The kind of attitude she had, and all the time I lost on something that would end because someone is a coward?

I am sorry. I just can't take this. I may not be the most courageous person on Earth, but... if it's for someone I love, I could even overdo my limits, many, many times. It's strong like this. For them, I can be strong. It just doesn't penetrate my mind how someone could give up so easily because of little... details.

Don't tell me details are important, because I know they are. I am a perfectionist myself. But some details are minimal in comparison to some situations.

Then, after healing from "her", and still carrying the scar about what she did, I am proud I didn't cry. If I had, then I would know the wound would probably never heal. As I didn't, I feel relieved that I can move on with no further worries. But I am stumbling on the same question over and over again:

Who am I? What do I want, what's my goal for which I am always giving my best? Do I belong here...?

This bothers me very much. Not knowing something I feel I should, bothers me very much. And even something about me, I should know myself.

I like to look at the past "myselves" and see what changed and what didn't change. My hard personality, hate for socialization, and, believe it or not, unnatural care for others, stay the same. I feel... I am more acute to some feelings. Sometimes I think that's a kind of... talent. But sometimes, I wish I didn't know so much about these things anyway. It's very painful. But somewhat... improved.

Yes. I grew up.

I think that's what I'll always look forward to. Be a better person. Improve in everything. To have a goal in life is very hard. You can't turn back not even once, if you do, you'll always be turning back to everything and won't accomplish anything. I hope... I won't change. And I hope... Everything will work out just fine.